Friday, September 5, 2014

Dear Me

Dear Me (The grammar in this letter is completely screwy since I don't make a habit of talking to myself, especially in the third person but I will give it a go.),

Me at 13
I'm writing to you from thirteen years in the future. Since I know that math has never been your best subject, this is your twenty six year old self writing to your thirteen year old self. I regret to inform you that math doesn't become your best subject until your second quarter of college when you abruptly change majors and end up in "practical math", where you learn to balance a checkbook and make a budget. You get the only A in the class of twenty five students. No, I will not tell you to switch degree paths earlier in your college career because your original choice gives you a lifetime worth of entertaining stories to share with your friends and family. I will say, however, not to stress yourself out so much when you do decide to change majors three weeks into college; no one will be disappointed in you and you will find yourself in your second degree choice.
You are going to be sorely disappointed to learn that your life at twenty six doesn't look anything like you anticipated but please take heart in knowing that you are alive. In a few short years your ability to survive will be questioned regularly by the experts in your disease. You have already outlived your supposed expiration date by quadruple at thirteen but, brace yourself because, from a health standpoint, your life gets a thousand times harder than it is right now. Sorry, I know that statement will terrify you because you hate hospitals, surgeries and, most of all, needles, but I won't lie to you. I want you to cherish what you have now without giving away the story. You're in for a lot of battles, physical and emotional, in the coming years. I'll give a small spoiler and tell you that you will get what you want most, as far as medical care is concerned, when you are twenty. You know, the thing you begged Dad and Dr. Bach for this past summer? Yeah that; you get it and although it is a battle that you have to fight, don't worry because you, ultimately, win that one, with your wit and ability to talk a million miles an hour fully intact. Now, don't get too excited just yet. You have a lot of battles before and after that one and convincing Dad turns out to be one of the easier ones. You will be shocked to learn that you speak up for yourself with passion and are pretty convincing now that you are supposedly a still don't feel like one at twenty six but treasure the fact that you don't always have to make decisions for yourself at thirteen. I know that right now you want to be solely responsible for your life but it's not quite as much fun as you anticipate. Slow down and enjoy letting Dad and Brenda be in charge. I know you're not going to listen to that because you are stubborn (and you still are) but I had to say it to at least to pretend to be a responsible adult.
Now you're probably thinking "well at least I will have the plan that I made with my best friend, surely that must work out". Sorry to burst that bubble too, sweetheart.  Your plan to be best friends forever, get married to brothers (preferably from the Backstreet Boys or The Moffatts), adopt a girl and boy, live in a beautiful ranch-style home next door to your current best friend is a big fat no go. No spoilers for this part of your life because I want you to make the same decisions even though they are seriously painful at the time. You will get through it, a little beaten and a lot bruised. It will hurt terribly the first time one of your so called friends says "oh! you have not died yet?". But you will learn to respond with witty lines like "I feel alive but it is quite possible I am haunting you from beyond the grave." and brush it off. You will learn that you relate better to people ten to twenty years your senior and you will find true friends, I promise. You will find acceptance in the strangest places and you will find love. It won't last long, it won't be expected or in the usual way but it will be real.
You're probably getting the impression that at thirteen you're living life at the best it is going to be and I don't want to leave you with that impression. You have a lot of difficulty ahead of you, I can't change that and quite honestly wouldn't want to. You're going to scare yourself plenty in the next few years but you will also find unbelievable joy. You have so much greatness coming your way. I know that one of your biggest concerns right now is having a purpose in life. Trust me when I say it will find you. You'll never believe how much influence you will have in the community. Be careful though because you have a lot of responsibility too and that could overwhelm you when it happens the first few times. You will get to live in your favorite state for more than six years (so far) so cherish your proximity to the ocean and authentic Italian food while you have it. Don't live life inside your game of Sims (yes, I know it's fun but it is really isolating in the long run so play with your own life in the real world sometimes please. Your vitamin D levels will thank you later on). You will be told again and again that you can't do something because of your physical limitations but you will find a way. You will go to college and be just as miserable as your 

Me at 26
classmates. Please talk to them and don't hesitate to form friendships with the ones who are willing to see past the equipment and wheelchair, they are worth it. Do me a favor and try to get and remember the name of the guy you sit behind in Bioethics because you will see him often after college and he will know your name. When you start going to a new hospital in Ohio trust Brenda's sixth sense when she says that you are really sick. Trust will remain a huge issue for you but don't stress about it too much because you will adjust and learn who is worthy of your trust...even if you end up burned a few times before you figure it out. It'll build character, supposedly. Most of all trust yourself, you're usually right and even when you're not you are learning from the experience.  You're going to be different than you're currently picturing yourself both inside and out. It's a bumpy, curving, twisting, road filled with hills and valleys but it is so worth it. Really, it is!
Love Yourself
PS You're going to love Miss S. even more in a few days and she will be a part of some major days in your history. It will be a scary day in American history but when she offers you a hug, accept it because she needs it as much as you do.

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